Had a long talk with my wife tonight, between dropped cell calls and making her irritated. I was irritated too, so I don’t know if we made any progress on that front.
She says she wants a divorce and says she has told me this. Funny, I have never heard those words come from her mouth. She has hinted. She has said file papers when I made her so mad she could kill me, but never have the words “I want a divorce” come from her mouth.
Things weren’t going fine but they weren’t entirely bad until I came down on her daughter to her rather colorfully after I lost my temper. I may have been right but I was out of line in how I did it. It was at that time that I knew I needed to change, pretty much as soon as it came out of my mouth and before she let me know she was mad, a split second. That was all it took. My months of soul searching after she left. my sleepless nights, my patience and love, I threw down the drain over my anger at something I should have just let lie. I never claimed to be the best person, but I knew better. I am not sorry for everything I said, but I am sorry for how I did it.
I started down this path a little over two weeks ago. Little did I know that it would make me look deeper into myself than I ever have. To a point, I don’t like what I see. A bitter person about some things and a caring passionate man about others (not just about my wife).
My wife may not believe this but I have helped people out and no one but them and me know. More times than I can count, I would say. The Bible says that those that do things to be seen by men already have their reward (out of context, but still true). But for me there are some times that people have known, but others they have not. This is the man that my wife once loved, was in love with and I believe somewhere deep inside still does.
I don’t wear my Christianity outwardly as a badge. I think that is wrong for the same reason as above and more in context with the passages to which I referred. That’s kind of why I hate the vanity plates here in Indiana that say In God We Trust on them. Yes, it is the national motto. Yes, the intent of the law was admirable. but most Christians get them to identify themselves and even some non-Christians do it, as if to say look at me, see how good I am. Now I don’t say that everyone does this, but I know a lot do. It never ceases to amaze me how self-absorbed people are, myself included.
The paragraph above reminds me of something that happened to me in the early nineties. I was working at a Christian television station east of Houston and one of the employees asked me if I was going to see Benny Hinn. I looked this employee in the eye and said, “No, but why are you going? Are you chasing after the man and his miracles or is it to listen to the message and be edified, miracles or no? When you can answer that question truthfully, then you should go.” I’m sure this person thought I was nuts, but it’s just me. I see too many people chasing after people, ideas, things and neglecting what is in front of them. I don’t want to be that kind of person.
It seems like I am writing a novel tonight, so I will end it with this. I don’t know how many times that I’ve said this, I love this woman. I love her for her. Nothing more, nothing less. She could be dragging me through the deepest mud or making love to me like there was no tomorrow, I would still love her the same. My love is unconditional, like God’s. If I am to be a better Christian man, it has to be. There is no other way!