Changing Things Day 16

Today was a day of changes.  Today my wife bought a new car. She cancelled the insurance here and is moving her driver’s license to Florida.  I did get coverage bound today.  Thank God!

I found out about this yesterday.  It wasn’t so much a shock as sort of an out of the blue thing.  I knew it would happen eventually. I wasn’t prepared for it this soon.  Luckily things worked out on it.

I think she tries to surprise me by what she does. Don’t know if that is true but it sounds good.  The thing is she doesn’t surprise me.  She ought to know me by now. I remarked to someone today that I am impatient, I hate hurry up and wait.  But with her I am the most patient man I know.  It’s odd.  I don’t know why I am so patient, but I am.

I get irritated by her, downright livid, but I can’t stay mad at her.  I have tried.  I don’t know what that is other than love. Love so deep, that I see myself in her and her in me.

I have a passion for my marriage, a passion for my wife.  I wish she felt the same.  Maybe she does on some level and has buried it so deep that she can’t feel or see it.

I don’t think my wife thinks I am awed by her.  I am.  I really don’t know how to describe it, but I am.  I am awed by her beauty, inward and outward.  Her knowledge about some things amazes me.  He caring and compassion keep me in awe.  I wish at times that I was half the man that she is woman.  I need to work on that.  She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I know she knows it.  I just screwed up and pushed it away.

But to have her back I still need to make changes in myself.  No anger today.  Irritation at the kids, but no anger.  No outbursts.  I feel good for now.  I have decisions to make.  Things to do.   I  will get through them but it would be so much easier with someone who loves me by my side, sharing in the triumphs and comforting after the defeats.  I lost that due to my own stupidity…..I guess I shall vow to be stupid no more.


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