Changing Things Day 18

I have become a man unsure of what to do.  I have almost never experienced this.  I wish the answers were laid out in front of me one by one so that I would have a clear path. They are not.

I think on things, I pray. Answers do not come, just more questions and discord.  I fear that before I have the answers I seek, things will unravel so much that they will not be able to be put back together.

I know the path to change is fraught with feelings like this.  It still does nothing to assuage my inner turmoil.  I feel like I am in two places at once, at once feeling myself and watching from the outside.

It pains me to see the needless hurt I have caused.  The life I may still end up destroying if I don’t get things right.  Make things right.  I suppose I can bear it, I just don’t want to do it.  The price is too high.

I have come a long way in almost 3 weeks in understanding myself.  The journey isn’t over, it is just beginning.  I want a companion on that journey, a steadfast equal partner who won’t abandon me when the going gets tough.  I had that once, I want it back. I want that person back.  I am so many things and nothing without that person.  I am more with her. So much more.

I do not lightly share myself here.  Hopes and dreams are all I have to cling to right now.  The hope that I can repair the damage I have done and the dreams that I will get my reward, our reward, on the the other side of this is what I cling to.


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