I have become a man unsure of what to do. I have almost never experienced this. I wish the answers were laid out in front of me one by one so that I would have a clear path. They are not.
I think on things, I pray. Answers do not come, just more questions and discord. I fear that before I have the answers I seek, things will unravel so much that they will not be able to be put back together.
I know the path to change is fraught with feelings like this. It still does nothing to assuage my inner turmoil. I feel like I am in two places at once, at once feeling myself and watching from the outside.
It pains me to see the needless hurt I have caused. The life I may still end up destroying if I don’t get things right. Make things right. I suppose I can bear it, I just don’t want to do it. The price is too high.
I have come a long way in almost 3 weeks in understanding myself. The journey isn’t over, it is just beginning. I want a companion on that journey, a steadfast equal partner who won’t abandon me when the going gets tough. I had that once, I want it back. I want that person back. I am so many things and nothing without that person. I am more with her. So much more.
I do not lightly share myself here. Hopes and dreams are all I have to cling to right now. The hope that I can repair the damage I have done and the dreams that I will get my reward, our reward, on the the other side of this is what I cling to.