Here I am wondering if the changes are worth it. Nothing appears to be happening on the front that I want it to happen on, but then again that is my want. Things could be worse I guess. people could be not talking to me. Things could be coming down around me like an earthquake. I guess I should consider myself lucky.
My wife. Oh, my wife. Have I said I love her today. Well I do. She is a breath of sunshine in a dreary world even if she wants to end this. I don’t blame her. I just want the chance to finally redeem myself in her eyes. I hope she gives me that chance, that opportunity.
I would move heaven and earth to make her happy. I’d go to the ends of the earth for her. I’d put my own pain and suffering aside to take on hers. That’s what true love makes you do. Act stupid in the eyes of others, seem nuts when things aren’t how other people see them. I’ve experienced that. It’s sometimes daunting to go on in the face of others’ denunciations. But you have to persevere. You have to get yourself up and go on the path that God or you have appointed yourself. Only you and/or God know when to give up. And all because you do things that make no sense to others.
It seems that people have lost that compassionate spirit. The one that allows them to see that there might just be something more to this than meets the eye. With my wife there is. She is so much more than her outward appearance, actions, and words. She has a compassionate heart. Sometimes too compassionate, but then I have to defer to what I said above. I can not judge her motivations in that. I can offer my opinions, but I CAN NOT JUDGE!
I try not to judge. Honestly, I do. But we can’t always avoid judging. We are called to it somewhat, because we have to have discernment and the ability to judge to make the right decisions.
Right decisions. There’s one of our problem. I don’t believe either one of us have made right decisions in this difficulty of ours. I sure know I haven’t. I would say she hasn’t to some degree. My very stupid decisions were 5 and a half years ago and letting some things go on way too long even if no real actions occurred. Hers are probably more recent. But then how can I judge, I am not there to see and it would still only be my opinion.
I want to be a better man for her, for my family, for the people around me. I have undertaken this journey to try to get to that point. It’s hard at times and in some respects lonely, since I don’t have her around to help me through the difficult patches. But then again maybe that is what I need, with her around maybe I am less motivated to truly change. I hate giving her empty promises, but that is what I have done repeatedly and that has to change. It must change. The promises I give her from this point on must be upheld. To do less would be to spit in her face.
It’s time for me to grow and probably to a point her. Both of us are getting too old to keep doing this to ourselves. I don’t want to start over with someone else. I only want to start over with her, if she will have me.